The Incredible Space Hulk

You know, this game might be like 25 years old. But, there's a reason people still talk about it, And I think I can tell why.

It's fun. Really damn fun. Like the kind of fun you might hi-five another person over.
Yeah, that much fun.

To be honest Space Hulk has always looked the same way to me, before I played it. And if you haven't played it, then let me show you what it looks like.

Wow, that looks like a fucking science project. It looks like you'd never even get to the point where whatever is happening there is happening. There are like a million tiny pieces everywhere. Fuck this shit, lets play scrabble.

So, if you've braved the cavernous reaches of the space hulk, or if your friend was somehow able to rope you into playing. You find something out really fast. There are like 4 total rules. After only a few turns of play you've got a complete handle of whats happening. And what is happening? Well...

As the Space Marine player you take control of a squad of real mo'fos who have to do a variety of missions within the derelict space-catastrophe-craft "Space Hulk."
If you're the aliens, your job is just to use your massive waves of blood thirsty razorblade monsters to stop the space marines.
Here's a feel for what it's like.


Yeah, look at that crazy shit!
The true strategy and fun of Space Hulk comes from the fact that the games is supremely simple, but because of the narrow board spaces a tactical player can get a lot of things going to their advantage. Like the closer a space marine gets to a corner, the more dangerous it becomes because an alien could just leap up out of there and cut their faces off .

That's another thing about Space Hulk that's great. Within the first few mission turns it will seem like the space marines have it made, they have guns and the aliens do not. And the aliens will have to traverse long lonely hallways to get to the space marines.
But once they get to the marines, the marines are brown bread.

The current iteration of the game comes with 9 missions. That is 8 more than Risk.
But because of the limited nature of it's release you're going to be paying over $120 for it on ebay. If you're into 40k, this is a MUST have. If you're into awesome analog entertainment with amazing quality game pieces and game play. You also need this.
If you know someone who has Space Hulk sitting in their basement and you've never agreed to play it with them, go do that. NOW.

FANTASY!

So, those of you who don't know already won't care that the new edition of Warhammer: A Game of Fantasy Battles is now live... Well I mean, it's out...like on for real shelves across the world and I'd just like to reflect a bit on the week of Fantastic Madness.

First of all, if you've never played a miniatures war game, I would stop reading this post NOW, just pretend I made 43 consecutive dick jokes and then pandered slightly the stalwart nature of your stool.

Now, we can really begin. If you've played Warhammer: A Game of Fantasy Battles (the law states that every time I type the full name of the game, my e-peen will grow 1") before you may be shocked that this 8th edition is good. Now, that isn't to say that the last edition of Fantasy was the worse edition, but 6th was so much better than 7th.

If you've seen the book and you've played a handful of games (like me) you're probably already in the big swing into the new rules changes. The best thing about the new rules changes is that many of them are very intuitive! It's easy to make the logical jump to why things changed because it makes more sense than previous editions. So, I could sit here all god damn day, picking through this gigantic rule book, or I could make a quick assessment of what changes I like and dislike best, and maybe some odds and ends to also consider.

THE GOOD
1. Fighting in Tons of Ranks: Previously in WGFB you could only fight with the first rank worth of soldiers in each unit while in close combat (unless you were armed with spears or something stupid) NOW, each guy in combat gets to contribute his own attacks and each guy behind him gets to fight with 1 attack! And, if you're the kind of fightin' dude who's armed with a spear you get to fight with an additional rank on top of the second. Now, you might think "Well that's good for dumptards with 1 attack, but I've got a big ole' pile of ogres and they are only getting a third of their attacks!" Well, shut up! Monstrous Infantry (one of the many new unit types) gets to support with up to 3 attacks now!

2. Raise the Banner High! And Play Us A Tune!: The same old commands you've been used to having since Wood Elves came in 1 piece and in boxes of 7 just got way cooler! Musicians allow your units to reform while moving, and give a +1 to attempting to rally while fleeing. Standard Bearers still give you a +1 combat resolution but now when you break from combat your bannermen fights on and is slain horribly! Hoooray!
wait...

3. I Cast Magic Missile!: I can remember playing a game less than a week ago, we didn't have the store preview 8th edition book available and we had to use the 7th magic lores... It was a travesty! But thankfully in addition to making magic on a whole stronger, 8th edition has a very strong revivification of the 8 magic lores. Each lore even has it's own intrinsic and flavorful bonus.

4. CHARGE!: The new charge move is your units movement + 2d6" That might sound bad at first. But It could potentially increase some units' maximum charge well over it's previous value. Some people are really decrying this change, and at first I hated it. But, here's what I saw in old fantasy: There were very few instances someone would fail a charge by misjudging the distance between units, because people were so good a judging the gap, or they had waited until the opponent was obviously well within range.
In the new format, it's exactly the same, except you can PRE-Measure the charge. You can't roll the dice and then measure but opponents will measure and decide what result or better they would need on the charge roll and weigh their options. It's the same kind of tactical decision, just arranged differently. But, it can sometimes result in some surprise flubbed rolls, or extra angry charges. What this rule DOES cut down on is charge moves blowing past a unit that fled as a charge reaction and pile into other units. Yes, it can happen, but fleeing is sometimes the best decision if you know your opponent only barely grazed your unit on the charge.

5. Sword of Striking DEEZ NUTZ!: Over the last week I have bored Monty's face off with an endless eulogy to the awesomeness of the new common magic items lists. Terror causing hats! Talking Wizard Hats! Magic Fear Banners! It's all there! I could talk all day about the combos just from the common magic items list, but I'll just put this one down: Glittering Scales+Fencer's Blades. You get +1 attack from double hand weapons, you get WS 10, 5+ armor save, and opponents get -1 to hit you. Meaning that most opponents will need 6s to hit you! BWAHAHAHAHAhA!

THE BAD

1.This is my STONE THROWER!: Now, I alluded to it earlier in the post but now let me spell it out, the first rule of the book says "You may pre measure all yo' shit in Fantasy now...chump!" Well fuck! All the fun of war machines used to be guessing the range, like I said most people I used to pay with were master range finders, able to drop cannonball bounces all up in your grill! But now the skill involved in guessing is gone. You just drop the template down and then roll for the scatter or over shot. Jeeze, now how effective your cannons are all best case scenario. I guess that's "ok" but, Stone Throwers just got fucking RE-DONC-KU-LOUS! Oh, wow! You can place the template over 20 guys? And 2/6 times it's just going to land on ALL OF THEM? Fucking shit!
Stone throwers are going to rape you! They are probably in your house right now, waiting for you to go to sleep to ravage your delicate body!

2.FAQQ: In order to prevent mass hysteria GW decided to launch a series of army FAQs for all of it's current armies to update their books for 8th ed. In addition to reading through a lot of bullshit questions that I feel embarrassed to know more than 1 person asked, I also noticed a lot of common sense rules clarifying. Housekeeping like, "Screaming Bell is Now Unbreakable!" You mean like it doesn't have a LD? Ok.
"Plague Furnace is Now Unbreakable!" You mean...shut up!
"Giant Rats still awesome!" Hell yes they are.
Some of the stranger rules errata even evoked a call to GW from myself.
The question was about Warhawk Riders, because in the FAQ they lost the Rule "Flying Calvary" which stated that in addition to certain differences to regular calvary Warhawks flew! Now Warhawk Riders are Monstrous Calvary and you're to ignore the Flying Calvary rule entirely...meaning they are M 1'' WOW! Great...

What they REALLY meant (according the themselves) was they still fly, and are fast cavalry...ok. Cool...


...WHY DIDN'T YOU READ THAT SHIT!? Correct that fucking shit you fucks!
There's also a clarification of when Wardancers have to dance that according to the GW guy I talked to: "British people meant to say they dance at the beginning of every combat, but your opponent get's to select which order you resolve combats in his turn."
Oh, good cause it sounds like you said they suck even harder now.

THE "TURN INTO A FUCKING DRAGON!"
1. Are you serious!? OH MAN! You just lost!: Spell 6 on Lore of Beasts. My 55 pt wizard just rolled irresitable force and is now a dragon, what's the points limit for this game?
500?
Ok, good game.

In closing, I'm really enjoying my trip back into the grim darkness of the past. It's always a good time to dust off some old rivalries, pull out your renn-fest gear and get your OG-Toy soldiery style on. Get out there are try it out.


Rattling Guns go CLAK CLAK!

My First Pony Ride

Well this first post will most likely be edited heavily over time, but I would like to say:
Welcome, to the terrors of my mind.
On this exciting journey through the crevasses of peril you will be guided by myself
and Monty.
Though we create the calamity inherent in these pages, we also can steer you back to safety, but linger too long and you will surely die.