Why We Hate Chaos

Shut up. Thank you. If you don't hate Chaos, you should probably read this. And if you do hate Chaos, you probably don't know why. You think you do, but you're wrong. Ok, everybody offended? No? Jesus, a Jew, and Mel Gibson walk into a bar...

Oh, sorry. You ARE all offended, because I either just told you I hate you, or called you too stupid to understand your own mind. Great. Let's begin.

We'll start with some of the reasons you think you hate Chaos. And if you're some kind of social deviant (Chaos player), just swap out 'hate' for 'refuse to play anything but' and it'll read the same. Assuming you can read and understand the basic principles of substitution. Hey-oh!



'Chaos is overpowered!'

I've heard plenty of anti-Chaos vitriol in my time with the hobby, but this is the most common complaint. There are a lot of factors in play on this one, and they're each worthy of a post of their own and I'll get to them later. For now, let's cover the basics. Firstly, the game is not intended to be balanced. It's more fun if it isn't, and players understand that at some level. Whether you're a power gamer or a filthy 'casual', there needs to be an oppressive foe that's just plain better than you in order for victory to be truly sweet. On the other side of that coin, some people are in it to win it, baby. And these guys need OP armies to have fun too. Another reason that this isn't why you hate Chaos is because if you truly hated them, it wouldn't be particularly hard to make a list that flat-out beats them. Yet nobody does this. There are whole army lists devoted to this, and everybody who plays them tries to balance them out to be able to beat bugs and 'good guy' marines. This gets into the competitive non-balance I mentioned earlier, but the guts of it is: If you think you can't beat Chaos, you aren't trying hard enough. So you don't hate Chaos because they're OP.

Not that kind of OP, Mr. Burns.

'It's not that they're OP, it's that they're so lame.'


Ah, the fluff argument. This is a little bit more valid. Fluff is probably the strongest selling point in Warhammer. The different heroes, villains, and legendary stories of past wars have something to offer everyone, no matter what breed of nerd they are. Clearly, people are emotionally aligned with their armies, generals, and list choices. As fervently as they support their own fluff, they're equally opposed to people who 'just don't get it' and play something else. The funny thing is, Chaos is really just a list variant of Space Marines, which everybody agrees are cool. They might be the least weird army, given that context. And all the crab-claw demons in the world aren't substantially weirder than, say, Eldar, 'Nids, Tau, or Necrons anyway. The xenophobe argument doesn't really hold up.

Vaguely racist!

As always, it's taking me forever to get to my point, so let's get to one last reason why you don't hate Chaos, and if you sit still and listen I'll wrap this thing up with a picture of a guy wearing a pink sweater.

'They're the bad guys!'


No. No they're not. The ethics of the Warhammer universe(s) are so convoluted and backwards that there is no way to convince me that there's an out-and-out villain here. Necrons have far more sinister intentions. Orks are bigger jerks, considering that they're not all religious about it. Nobody's making them crack skulls; They just like it. And let's not get into the Empire. Quick, name an all-powerful leader-for-life that everybody thought was the good guy? Mufasa, I guess? Yeah, no. Chaos isn't the 'bad guy' any more than the other psychic murderers are 'good guys' just because they wear blue instead of red. This is just the xenophobe argument again, but taken to an even more illogical conclusion. You racist.

This is Lee Van Cleef. He is a bad guy.

Alright, word-man, I read all your words, tell me whatever this is about... what is this about again?

It's about why you hate Chaos (or, again, love it so damn much).

You, me, America, and baby eagles all hate Chaos because they're the ultimate hipster. You see, hipsters do intentionally stupid things for the sake of being different. They don't pray to the right God, listen to good music, or wear normal clothes (oh like your 3rd 'Slayer' t-shirt this week is really indicative of a well-adjusted adult, gosh). We all hate hipsters, but we don't hate hate hipsters. Because no matter how cool they are, their re-purposed graphing calculator is way crappier than your iPhone. And their stupid pants don't look very comfortable. We can at least comfort ourselves with the fact that their lives suck because of the stupid choices they've made. Chaos is like that, except their lives are amazing. You know what's a good kind of helmet? Eyeholes and mouthpiece, thank you very much. Don't put horns on it, idiot. Nobody needs horns on their heads. If you're attacking an enemy with your most vital, precious body part, you've really run out of options and should have called it a day long before you found a use for friggin' horns. Another example: You know what's a good kind of hand? A freakin' hand. With fingers. And a thumb. No military in the history of mankind would have traded arms with a squid. It's just not a good idea. Yet, as mentioned, Chaos is not crippled by their girl jeans and tape decks. No, they actually kick much ass with that stuff. Imagine walking into a record store (Ha ha! Just kidding. Nobody buys records. Stay with me) and seeing a guy who has made so many inadvisable choices that he might just be king of the hipsters. In the real world, his life's only reward would be sleeping with a chick that looks like she got covered in glue and rolled around in a Spencer's that recently had a catastrophic glitter containment issue. Now imagine instead of that, he drives a BMW to his amazing job as chancellor of the NFL and also the Moon. He can dunk on a regulation rim and invents dance moves that can cure diseases. This guy is awesome. And you hate him. We all do.

I am the Lord of Change!

Pink is the new Twitter!